lhughes87

I was too hopeful. I really thought that the change of the date from 08 to 09 would bring about some miracle and make all things better. If today was a sign of things to come, I can look forward to much of the same. Work was work, came home and watched Desperate Housewives and was looking forward to rehearsal. Right from the beginning things were off. Everything we did musically was great, it made me a lot more comfortable that our show is only a month out. It's the things that happened outside of the music that ruined my night.

It started with the absence of Jess from the rehearsal. Due to an emergency involving the place she lived in in NYC she had to drop the show. This sucks, a lot. Yet another one of my best friends is no longer a part of this show. More than it being a musical it was the people in it that made me want to be a part of it. Dea didn't get in and now Jess is gone, if you add into this the next thing that ruined my rehearsal it makes a total of three friends I was looking forward to being in a show with that will be absent.

The second reason the rehearsal was ruined, and I've been avoiding writing this in a blog because I don't if the parties involved read this or not. I'm going to assume he doesn't and if he does then oh well. Daniel. Any one who knows me well knows that my feelings for him are very conflicted. I've had a crush on him since we were in Zanna Don't together. He had a boyfriend and I knew that nothing would ever come from it. Didn't keep that crush from growing over the next year. He broke up with his boyfriend, I still knew that we would never be anything more than friends, I was there for him like a friend should be. Until, of course, the shit hit the fan. After one of our Team Awesome parties he and I cuddled. My arm was on his chest and when I knew what was coming I felt his heart beat and thought it was pounding away like mine was. We kissed. Sent my mind spinning. Could this thing that I've wanted for so long, yet convinced myself I could never have, actually come true? The next day he said he didn't want to send mixed signals and that he wasn't ready yet. Well of course I read into that "yet" a bit too much. A week or two later on a snowy night he stayed at my place. We kissed again and this time actually talked about it. He told me he'd break my heart and I agreed.

After our talk I struggled to get over him. Finally getting to the point where I was okay with what had happened and was working towards being friends. At Dea's graduation party he was over heard telling someone about the situation "he was there and I was lonely." So that's it. One of my good friends who I've had feelings for knew it. He didn't feel the same and so I simply became another one of the emotionless guys he fooled around with. I was hurt to see the drop from good friend to a disconnected make out buddy. Which is all I felt like anymore.

(As a side note: Can I just say, it is horrible when you have feelings for friends and they know it and don't feel the same. This has happened twice to me in the past six months and it makes me feel far more pathetic than anything else I've experienced.)

So today at rehearsal I learned he and his ex are back together. Whatever, it's his life. Trying not to throw a pity party, but it's just annoying. So that's event two, and finally on to event three.

I got a call from my dad during our rehearsal. I obviously couldn't answer so they text me "Call when you have the time." After all the family emergencies we had last year I knew this was bad. So on our break I went upstairs and called them. My grandma has lung cancer. My mom's mom. They found a large mass on her lungs shortly before Christmas. She put off going to get it tested until my mom practically had to force her. Now they have an appointment with the specialist on Monday to find out if there's a way to fight it.

I'm not as close to my grandma as I used to be. This news was hard to hear, but more than anything I'm worried about my mom. With my dad's sickness I was her rock. I saw how weak my dad's illness had made her and I'm worried about how this next chapter will hit. I'm happy my dad is back to normal to be there for her. None the less... the next few months will be interesting.

That's how my year is starting off. Alone and dealing with family illness again. Thank god for Team Awesome. People may scoff at our group, but it means the world to me that I have found a group of such amazing friends. It's hard to find people you connect with who genuinely care about. I'll be using them a lot to get through this year along with everyone else I've come to trust.

So apparently I've decided to make this the fourth night in a row that I deprive myself of a reasonable amount of sleep. 4am and I could easily curl up in my bed and pass out, but I just don't want to yet.

It's finally 2009. I'm thrilled to say goodbye to 2008, it started off shitty and only went downhill from there. Relationship drama, job problems never resolved, family health emergencies, last year was filled to the brim with all of them. Oddly enough I came out in one piece. Suppose I can say I've become a stronger person through it all.

In a few weeks I will have been single for a year, something quite unheard of for me. After going through the first Christmas in four years that my ex wasn't a huge part of (in one way or another), the longing for a stronger emotional connection with someone is finally vanishing. I'm becoming numb to romance, taking little interest in the guys taking interest in me. Its fair that every interest I've had has fallen through as well. Having good friends who know you have feelings for them and don't feel the same is a bit of a sting I'm learning to deal with.

I can absolutely say that the only two good things to come out of last year were that I turned 21 and I became very close to some truly amazing people. I haven't had friends I can turn to for absolutely anything like this since high school. It's incredibly comforting to have that again.

Here's hoping this year will kick last years ass. I certainly could use a picker-uper, and I know many of my friends to as well.

I apologize for the apparent vomiting of words that has just taken place in this blog. It's not structured and has little point. My excuse is that I'm tired. Hope all is well with everyone, and that you all had a safe and wonderful holiday season!

Well at least this time it's not as cold as it could be. In fact it's warm. I've still yet to bust out my warmer jackets, as of right now I'm enjoying winter. Living in our new place for the winter is exactly what I thought it would be... cold. Single pain windows and all wood floors do not hold heat in until summer... meaning hot then freezing now. I'll survive, electric blankets supply enough warmth for now.

Christmas this year will be an interesting one, perhaps not interesting because of the events but rather the lack of events. This will be the first Christmas in three years that Lee won't be a part of my life. I can confidently say I'm as over him as I'm going to be, you never completely forget your first love. Three years ago he was in Las Vegas and I was in Santa Fe, two years ago we were in Chicago with my family, last year he was in France and we were fighting to figure out what to do about our relationship. This year I'm off to Chicago again, leaving nothing behind but my friends, and taking only my family.

That being said, I've never been in a place where I've been so content with my friends. I've made connections with so many people this year that I see lasting for a very very long time. I'm finding myself feeling the emptiness left by single life a lot less often, only rarely when I realize I've slept alone for the past several months with no end in site. This year has been a learning experience, I've learned to be more assertive, learned to be less shy, learned why my relationships fail and watched for those signs. As of right now, there are two guys I would willingly enter into a relationship with. For one reason or another it's just not the correct time to act on those feelings, and that time most likely won't come. The amazing part is I'm truly okay with that.

The end of the semester is bringing it's share of insanity. My life has been a lot to take in the past few weeks, most of it good, but still a lot. I need my time to take a step back and catch my breath. Two weeks out!!!!

If you're reading this thank you so much for the effect you had on my life, big or small it's still been a part of helping me become who I am. And that has become someone I'm increasingly proud to be.

We'll begin with my position at Pappa Deaux. I was a server, nothing special, but I was pretty darn good at what I did. The customers loved me. The other servers and I got along great. I walked out at the end of most nights with more money than many of the other's I worked with. The issue from this job came about when I learned the management didn't value good workers, they valued good friends. Simple part of that was that most of the people I worked with I had no intention of making a connection with outside of work. In the end the managers began to treat me unfairly, so I left.

Next came my position at the UNM Archives. I got the job because of a snaky, deceitful person from my past who I was in love with at the time. He went off on an adventure and left me with his job. While away, his (former) boss (my current) and I became close. Her and I were co-workers and friends. I did not know all he knew, but I managed. If I couldn't accomplish the task at hand at first, I'd find my way to success. The snake returned and my boss told me I would not lose my job, she hired me and was happy with the decision. She knew the situation between he and I had not ended well, in fact it had ended rather poorly. Yet she let him work his charm on her and I lost my job to him. A position was offered to me in the fall under him. I turned it down as I did not need to be around such an atmosphere.

Finally come Purple Sage. A job I took in May so I'd have money over the summer. I fell in love with the people (well most of them). Within a few weeks the manager had told me I was her favorite. The work I did was taken notice of by those who weren't even in the store. The manager of the other store once thanked me for being such an amazing employ, he had heard things of me and was impressed. I worked well with everyone, the jobs given to me were always finished quickly and with better results than the one who appointed me the task had expected. Since it was a nursery, their winter season is typically slower than their spring and summer. Hours were being cut, people were quitting. I however was never told to be ready for cuts in my hours. I was floating along, other were told their job would be limited and eventually ended. Well today the manager walked into the break room while I was on lunch with tears in her eyes. I was let go. No warning, no time to find a new job, just "we're sending you home and we're not sure we'll be needing you anymore." They didn't have the money anymore to support anyone other than the owner, the manager and the yard manager. The few of us left got screwed.

So here's where it's all summed up. Wherever I work I do a good job, I'm liked by the people I work with and generally for. I'm loyal to my work, the only reason I hadn't quit Purple Sage was because I wanted to help them finish getting ready for Christmas. I make the effort to be a good employ, yet I never encounter a job that makes the effort to be a good employer. Where's the loyalty to me? May sound arrogant, but screw it. I'm a good worker and a good person. Why aren't I treated as such?

That being said, off I go to hunt for my next job where I'll be unappreciated.

It's been a while since I've written a blog about my life. Mostly because my life is really kind of lame right now. I honestly feel like I'm doing nothing for myself. I've reached the educational limits my job can provide therefore leaving the experience of work boring. I'm not in any shows, my love life is grounded for the time being, and school is nothing spectacular. Despite this incredible lack of anything exciting I have one funny story and one revelation to include into this blog.

First the story. About a month ago (maybe more) I was at work and noticed a strange bump on my hand, was small and didn't really hurt. I thought at first it was a wart, until I realized there were dozens covering both of my hands. After a few days of thinking it was an allergic reaction to something I decided it was worth some research. The nurse hotline for my insurance agreed that it was probably an allergic reaction, though after a few more days they told me to go see a doctor. I did some research the night before and came upon some startling results. Now is a good time to let you know that you really have to finish reading this story, there are a number of incorrect diagnosis(s) (I don't know how to pluralize that word...) before I found out what it was. I went in and the doctor told me what my researched had, it might be syphilis. Test taken, it wasn't. The doctor had no clue what it was, so I went to a dermatologist. They immediately rattled off a crazy disease name, explaining that my body probably just came into contact with a form of the herpes virus and that the rash would go away, but they took a throat culture just to be safe... well a few weeks later i got a call... The strange rash that had plagued my hands was caused by strep throat... I had no other symptoms... how weird is that!? Needless to say after all was done, I was relieved to know it was strep throat... but how weird is that!!!!!

So now the revelation. I've known for a while that my anti-confrontational personality was the reason I got walked on a lot. Recently however, it's really starting to annoy me. I feel like because I haven't really stood up for myself in anything a great deal of the people I consider friends view me as inferior to them. Being that they can make fun of me as much as they'd like and I'll never say a thing. I wish I could go back to being the arrogant asshole I was in high school. Perhaps if I was a prick I would be happier. Being nice certainly isn't getting me far, it is impossible to find a guy I'm attracted to who is not out to take advantage of my subdued personality, my friends view me as inferior, and I'm afraid to perform to my max in class because I'm afraid of what people will think. This being timid and non-confrontational is going to be the reason I'm unhappy in life... Perhaps it's time to over come that...... yeah right.

I feel the video says it all, but I still feel the need to elaborate on why this pisses me off...

"Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska, it's just over the border."

That's right folks, she is now using her proximity to the Russian border as a scare tactic. I honestly feel like this parties approval ratings should be in the toilet with all of the other shit they keep spewing out. This party has lied back and forth, they have tried numerous scare tactics to frighten people into voting for them. Now that their pole ratings are going down they're taking on a new plan, "Hide".
They have prevented Sarah Palin from speaking to reporters for reasons like what you've just seen, she's an idiot. So McCain has taken to suspending his campaign in a ploy to keep Palin out of a debate with Biden who would rip her a new one.

Seriously!? HOW MUCH ARE WE GOING TO LET THEM GET AWAY WITH!? It is bull shit that American's will continue to roll over and let the government fuck them in the ass. But wait, we NEED these two idiots in office because they're the only ones who know how to stop Bin Laden, they're the only ones who are ready to protect us when RUSSIA comes to invade.

I realize that I am not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to some of the issues, I realize that this blog is just a constant slur of bashings with no evidence (other than the video) to back up what I'm saying. The way I think of it, the republican candidates don't feel the need to prove what they're saying and I no longer do either.

WAKE UP!!

I'm sick of this election cycle. The campaign of both politicians running has been shifted to attacking each other. When I drive around Albuquerque I see significantly more "NObama" stickers than I see "McCain Palin" stickers.

This leads me to believe that no one truly believes in their candidate of choice. It's simply become a matter of "I don't like that guy so I'm voting for this one." To a certain extent I believe that the two candidates' lies and flaws need to be brought to the surface, but I wish I would just once have the privilege to see an add that is a statement of their intent instead of why their opponent is evil.

So from here out I will stand on my beliefs about why Barak Obama is going to be the best president we can have for the next four years. Unless specifically baited to do so I will not call out the numerous lies and deceits of John McCain.

Add another point to my tally. I feel like an ass. There have been relationships that I've ended with some really bad people, people who used me and abused me. I just got off the phone with one of the few people who never did either. He gave as much as I gave, if not more. He was never anything but nice to me, yet I still took his heart and threw it out the window.

Kyle was a sweet heart. We were only in a relationship for a short while, but he still left a pretty deep groove in my mind. Under different circumstances things would have been different. Being a poor college student and working leaves little time and money for traveling. Add on top of that the many things we'd never be able to share with each other, or the many times we wouldn't be able to be there for one another, and it's just a recipe for relationship disaster.

So I ended another relationship. Almost begins to feel like clock work. He was the first boyfriend I've had since Lee left for France. Now being single again, I have no desire to enter into another relationship. I guess for now I go back to living up the single life... I'm sure this feeling of being the worst man alive will subside in time...

Good night all!

I gotta say, Barak Obama really gets me worked up. In a good way of course. I voted for him in the primary simply because Edwards had dropped out by that time. But after watching his speech at the DNC I couldn't be happier that he's our candidate. Politicians are full of lies, I accept that, but if he goes through with even half of what he's promising the country and the world will be a better place.

With all this hype comes a fear. I was unable to vote in the 2004 election, but was still horrified to see that Bush had claimed his second term. I figured people would have seen that his failed policies weren't fit to be carried on, but evidently not... There are still people that feel he did a good job four years later, and people who are willing to vote McCain and continue the rough times we've faced. So what chance does an underdog have in defeating the rich white man? All I can do is my part by voting for him and trying to convince others to do so as well.

Lastly, people seriously need to stop talking about assassination. I've heard a number of different people say "I'm worried about voting for Obama because I think he'll get assassinated." If these are the talks liberals are having then I wonder what the conservative NRA member nut-jobs are. Let the secret service do their job and just vote for the man that will better our country.

Updated my relationship status on both facebook and myspace and now I'm going to quickly explain who he is and how our relationship came to be.

His name is Kyle, I posted a blog a month or so ago about him. This relationship will be very different than what I'm used to, because it'll be a long distance relationship. He lives in Peoria, Arizona (which is a smaller city in the Phoenix are). We met a few months ago and have been talking daily since. Last weekend he purchased a ticket for me to go visit him, I went and was drawn closer to him. I've dated a lot here in Albuquerque and have generally been disappointed. Sex is just too great a topic here, monogamy is rare.

I may not know him completely, but I feel I can trust him. Having a faithful long-distance relationship with an amazingly sweet guy seems better to me than having a relationship with hidden betrayals here. I've thought through a lot of the problems I'll have in this relationship, mostly that it will be difficult to get close to someone who lives so far away. Time will tell how things work out. I'm happy though, he's a great guy... and with any luck something good will come out of this.

I don't want to be one to give "evil-doers" too much credit, but is it possible that the terrorists who attacked us on Sept. 11th were brilliant?

Some time ago, (I can't remember which grade I was in) a teacher of mine gave us a short story to read. In the story, which was set in the midst of the Cold War, the power goes out in a regular American suburb. From there neighbors turn on each other. People place the blame, accuse one another of being Communists, and all together lose control. At the end of it all we zoom out to see aliens sitting there laughing at how despicable the neighborhood is. All that was needed was the loss of power and they began to rip each other apart.

It's only fiction obviously, but look at what has happened. Our moment of losing power was when the twin towers collapsed. There was a moment of extreme unity, but since then we have begun ripping each other apart.

The terrorists sought out to destroy our brand of democracy, crumble the columns holding up our empire. All it took was one attack and the pillars shattered. The president fabricated evidence to attack a country other than the one that attacked us, leaving us in debt. Economy in shambles? Done. We are being constantly watched by the government. Loss of freedom? Done. We are stuck in a red-state-blue-state mindset. Loss of unity? Done. Our way of life has dramatically shifted all because we have this lingering fear of another attack, yet it's the fear of losing our way of life that is making it disintegrate.

The lights went out nearly seven years ago and we're still fumbling around, blinded by the dark accusing each other of being the cause of it all. Pretty brilliant if you ask me. I'm not sure if this was their plan, if it wasn't they got extremely lucky. Too bad the laugh is on us.

Ok. This has been bothering me so I'll just throw out what I think real fast.

What John Edwards did was fucked up. I'm a firm believer in monogamy with the understanding that it is COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE that marriage will prevent someone from feeling an attraction to another person. No one can spend their lives being only drawn to the person they're bound to. He should have stuck with his wife during her battle with cancer and that's what the problem is. But the sin isn't his betrayal of their monogamous relationship, simply his absence. He's a politician, he was gone a great deal of the time anyways and no one was jumping down his throat until it came out that he was with another woman.

I was a BIG supporter of Edwards for the presidency, and I still believe he would have made an amazing president. Just like the situation with Bill Clinton. Clinton was an incredible president, who gives a fuck that he got his dick sucked by an intern?? It's his personal life. People need to stop looking for a president they can "have a beer with" and instead focus on someone who's gonna lead us to better things. If America would get over its insistence that the president has to be a "good person" we wouldn't have a president who fucks us over. BUT ITS OK!! He's a "Good Christian".

So yeah, Edwards fucking some random woman while his wife has to fight for her life: really fucked up. But that in no way makes him incapable of being a brilliant leader. He could have done amazing things for this country, but now he has committed an act that America will never forgive him for. It's sick.

I leave in 12 minutes for the new Batman movie. We're going to the midnight premiere and I can't wait!!!

This is a blog that I'm going to ask for some response on... That'll be the concluding section though. These past few weeks have been a blast, I've finally began building a group of friends here, my birthday is coming up and I actually have people excited to go out to the bars with me. It's gonna be a blast. This week has been a great week, ice blocking the other day, concert and Ihop last night, Batman tonight, and a dinner somewhere tomorrow. Then next Tuesday I leave for New Orleans with Amy and my parents. I've got a ton of stress surrounding my housing and job situations but I still haven't been this happy in a very long time... Thank you to everyone who's had a part in that!

Funny little story. Though I had determined I needed to stop talking about Lee due to it's over-all frustrating effects, last night I stumbled upon something hilarious! Thought I should share. I rarely ever use the camera he gave me after he purchased a new one. So I had a few photos to upload on my computer from a while ago. I put them on and after I deleted the photos from the memory card I went into the trash file on the card. There were a number of video files. I figured they were just something stupid I recorded and neglected to delete, so I deleted the majority of them leaving one to watch for kicks. I double click the icon and what pops on my screen but a video of Lee masturbating. HAHAHAHAH!!! Pretty damn hilarious. I can only imagine he recorded this to send off to some people he met online... does me no harm now to talk about it on my blog so figured why the hell not.

Finally the last topic, I have five minutes so I hope I can get it out. I've been single for a while, and haven't really met anyone here in New Mexico worth while. I have however become rather fond of a gentleman residing in our neighbor state Arizona. We met online (obviously). I can be quoted saying two things 1) " I am done meeting people online" and 2)"I would never do a long distance relationship". Now while he and I are not boyfriends, and the talk hasn't really come up about that, I've grown really fond of who he is. We talk daily, and I'm becoming more and more infatuated with him everyday. He offered to fly me out to visit him for my birthday present from him, and I'm totally willing to go.

So the thing I want to know is, is this crazy? I've met a ton of guys here in New Mexico and the result is generally the same, it's either someone I'm not compatible with or someone more interested in getting their dick sucked than having a loving committed relationship. In Mr. Arizona I seemed to have found the two things I would need, an emotional connection with someone who isn't looking for constant sex. So am I out of my mind for allowing myself to fall for someone 7+ hours away, or is it understandable that I'd want to pursue something good despite the distance? I like feedback, regardless of what is said to me, I have every intention of visiting him and seeing if the connection is present when we're in person. More than fearing a total distaste for him when I'm there, I'm scared that I'll become even more drawn to him.

So that's all. Off I go to Batman!!!!

Does anyone feel comfortable with where we are as a country right now? I can go most of my day and not worry about politics, but watching the news is pretty damn scary. I won't go into specifics because honestly everyone knows them. We have the election coming up and of course I'm gunning for Obama, but can we really expect him to change much?

The most frightening thing about this whole situation is that people are still supporting McCain. There was once a time when I believed he wouldn't have been a terrible president. That time has come and gone. His opinion changes almost monthly and NO ONE CALLS HIM OUT ON IT!!! Well except for this man. But I foresee this being span by Fox News to villainize the veteran calling out McCain's lies. McCain is building his campaign on fraud and lies. I hope Obama wins so we at least have a fighting chance of surviving until the next election.

Last night I went to go see Wall-E with Alex, Joe and David. It was adorable!!! Joe kept leaning over and telling me that Wall-E reminded him of me. Evidently in the future humans have stopped walking entirely and have taken on the shape of giant teddy bears with limbs reaching only six inches from their massive bodies. This simply makes me NEVER want to get a Segue(or however the hell you spell it). DON'T STOP WALKING PEOPLE!!!

Two nights ago Alex, Joe and I were hanging out at the UNM North Golf Course. It was really relaxing, there was a really cute toad hopping around where we decided to lie down. Alex eventually looked at the top of this one hill and noticed there were some people up there. We argued for about 5-10 minutes trying to determine whether they were people or trees in the distance blowing in the wind. They were just moving way to fast to be people, or so we thought. So we kept watching and sure enough they stood up...naked... Apparently the woman liked to move a lot while having sex. It was pretty damn hilarious. It did wonders to see straight people doing the nasty in public instead of gay people. We're often given a bad reputation because of all of the bathroom encounters in the news. There was proof though. SEE! THE BREEDERS DO IT TOO!!!
(on a side note, I've never had public sex, nor do I plan on ever having public sex. I'm not that kind of gay.)

Recently my hopeless romanticism is just laughable. I've always had the problem of getting my hopes up way to high on a great guy, only to find that he's either not available for one reason or another, or just not interested. Three in the past two months. How obnoxious is that!?

One has a boyfriend, one isn't interested and the other lives a few hundred miles away. hahaha. Man it's really pathetic!

On another note, every time I talk to someone about Lee, which happens less and less now-a-days, I'm convinced he was unfaithful. I a few days ago that he had cheated on his other long term ex, David. Something which Lee never brought up, whenever the story came up David was always the antagonist. I found out about a month ago that while in France there were a number of occasions when he'd meet up with guys he'd met online. I knew he dated while he was in France, but it seems there were more than just one guy on that list. When I told him it was over he said "and here I am being foolish, thinking love conquers all." Well love obviously love wasn't enough to conquer his promiscuous nature. Feel bad for his current fling.

My birthday if quickly approaching! YAY! I'll keep everyone posted on when and where my party will be! Don't quite know what my living situation will look like then, but I'm assuming I'll have a roof over my head.

My apartment is clean!!!! AMAZING! Antoinette dropped by yesterday and commented on how dirty our apartment was. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten, so today I cleaned the kitchen which then prompted John to clean the bathroom and then I attacked the living room. Now its all perfect! WOOT!

I've been spending a lot of time recently with my friend Joe (Jose), he and I had met a long time ago and were always just acquaintances, he was one of the people that Lee didn't get along too well with for some odd reason. He and I have been hanging out practically everyday, I've met a lot of his friends who I've become pretty fond of myself. I've even hung out with Matt, Lee's ex who I had always assumed wasn't too fond of me. I had gone along with the man I was in love with and disliked these people. Now that I'm free of that I'm learning how great they are. I learned a ton from my relationship with Lee, and the biggest lesson is that I need to be myself and be fair to myself. Not assuming someone's an ass just because I was told so, and having some balls and standing up for myself.

A few more thoughts before I jump in the shower and head off for errands. The first: Get Smart was not as good as I had hoped, it's cute but I definitely think it's worth waiting for the DVD. I just hope the next flick on my list is better! WALL-E!! yay!

Second: I'm sure someone has already done this, but it seems like and awesome and yet incredibly cruel trick to do to someone. Prep a waxing strip and just slap it onto someone's arm or leg, or any other hair covered body part, when they're not expecting it. What's great about this is that you just have to be sneaky when you slap it on, after its there, the pain is guaranteed!! You can even let them do the painful part! WAHAHAHAHA

That's all for now! Talk to you all soon!

I've been going through a shit load of ups and downs when it comes to my emotions recently. Last night I hit a low and needed someone to vent to and luckily a fair amount of people were there for me. I told one of them that I'd get over it when I woke up and probably write a blog later on. This is that blog. I've finally had the time to think through my emotions and now I can say what I feel and why I feel it.

I'm lonely is what it boils down to. Not necessarily for a boyfriend, but just for someone to confide in. At the beginning of the year I was happy to be single because I had so many opportunities with friends opening up. I was also more comfortable with myself at that point. I had so much going my way that love didn't need to enter into the equation. Then my dad got sick, and as I had written in a previous blog, I became the stable person for my mom. I was there supporting her when she was down about it all. The only problem was, I had to mask my emotions most of the time, and when I'd leave her side I had no one to go to.

I reached out to Bobby and Felicia, and neither gave me so much as a phone call. I needed a hug, and to just cry and let it out, but just to talk it out with one of them would have been wonderful. It took so much will power to not call Lee up and ask to see him, but in the end I didn't. So I dealt with my feelings as best as I could on my own.

Now we come to today, or rather where things are now. My dad is back to being 85% of what he used to be. Huge progress, but when you talk to him for more than ten minutes it's obvious there's something wrong. I love my parents to death, nothing will ever change that. But I absolutely HATE seeing people being something different than what they should be. Because of this I am no longer comfortable at my house in Santa Fe, I'm no longer comfortable around my parents. This is disastrous, I've always had an incredible bond with my parents. Now that's suffered greatly.

So the end result, I'm alone. I feel I have no one to turn to for support. I have many friends who say they're there for me, and I know they are. But I only open up to a very few select people, and now they have all (for many different reasons) lost that. I know things this year could be a lot worse, but I'd still like for one thing to go right.

I'm happy being single, but I hate being alone. I just need some sort of stable person in my life that I feel I can open up to. Right now, there's no one.

With that, It's my bed time. Hopefully now that I know why I feel the way I do, the pieces needed to make it all better will fall into place. That's normally how it happens.

Today was quite the day. Nothing incredibly moving occurred that made me analyze my life or my current situation, but it was one of the best days I've had in some time.

It started with me going to lunch with Gael. She was my English/Theatre teacher in High School, and now she is one of my friends. She is one of the few adults I feel I could tell anything. I suppose it's approaching the point that I should consider myself an adult, but she is one of my elders I suppose. It was nice to catch up with her even though it hadn't been that long since our last lunch.

After that I had nothing to do until John got off of lunch so I followed Gael to her current high school to watch some of the talent she has in her program. I was blown away, these kids were so incredibly talented, had I possessed that kind of skill when I was in high school I'd be in a much different place right now. Of course since this school was Rio Rancho High, they were all very conservative. Kind of weird and because of this I played out the day closeted for the most part. Not because I was uncomfortable, just because I felt I didn't have a way to relate to them through that (despite the fact that one of them was very gay and needs to figure it out). After I left I took a step to talk to someone that Gael had wanted me to get to know. We'll see if that goes through, I've yet to receive a response on myspace, but I trust Gael's opinion of who we both are and I look forward to at least gaining a new friend.

The night concluded with a preview of the next year of my life. John and I, along with his friend from the architecture program, Shane, went house hunting. The roster of people wanting to live with John and I next year has been shifting around constantly but this seems to be the final draft of it. So Shane John and I hunted around and found one amazing house and two good potential second choices, my job tomorrow is to call and see what the status is on these houses. After that we went and grabbed Gyros and a movie with Daniel Craig and just hung out and watched it. It's gonna be nice to have a change of scenery soon. If we snag the house we wanted my room would be in the basement, John was very excited and said that I would finally have my "Butt Lair." :-P

A short lyric from a Jason Reeves song:

Someone is waiting
someone who understands exactly how you feel
exactly how you feel..
someone is dreaming
someone is hoping just that this will be the day
that this will be the day..

that you take your eyes off the ground
out of the blue
and see that someone is looking right
back at you..

I'm off to bed, with a very positive day to look back on. Days like today only prove to me that I am happy being single. I don't need love anymore to be happy, a continuing success in bettering myself!

Good Night All!

It's amazing what can happen when you browse your collection of myspace friends. I was looking specifically at my friends from high school. The majority of which I've lost contact with, other than myspace. I'm growing here in Albuquerque while they're all growing else where in different ways. Looking at all their profiles reminded me of some of the greatest times I've had.

I have so many memories I can tie to Lydia, Antoinette, Nikki, Amy, Felicia and Bobby. These were the people that made up my core group of friends through high school, and now, other than Amy, I never really see or hear from them. It made me wonder tonight what they think of me. I have my opinions of who they have become because I've witnessed the change from the outside, so they must have opinions about me too. What kind of person am I to them now? It's just really strange, these people I once spent every waking moment with are now approaching being strangers. I want to get the whole group together, but I know that's difficult. Especially since it would only be for my benefit really, they all see each other fairly frequently anyways.

I suppose there is no actual theme to tie this all into a nice little package. I just wonder what I've become to those who once knew everything about me. How far have we grown apart? Just random thoughts for the night...